Tired of the tried and true flavors of monogamy? Looking to spice things up by potentially ruining your relationship or someone else’s? Well, I’ve got just the fix for you! Ashely Madison, “the world’s premier discreet dating service,” offers a guarantee that you’ll meet someone to have an affair with within three months or your money back. With more than 5 million, ehem, serviced, this online dating site asserts with its Affair Guarantee Package that it is “absolutely risk free” (for your wallet, anyway).
For men who are uncertain how to have a successful affair (apparently women don’t need tips on this), the site offers some classy tips on how to get started.
Here are just a few highlights:
- “Approach each affair partner with even more class and respect than if you were approaching a single woman.”
- “Be patient and don’t get discouraged… Women generally take much smaller risks and seek fewer rewards in life than men do. Keep this in mind…”
- “Refrain from being sexual. While most men [seek an affair] to fill sexual wants and needs, most women [seek an affair] to fill emotional wants/needs. If you play your cards right and you fill her needs, she will be all that much more likely to fill yours. A woman wants a man to fill her every need; a man wants a woman to fill his one need.”
With such great tips on how to land that extramarital affair, I can see how Ashley Madison is so confident they can help their users cheat on their spouses. According to these expert adulterers, the key to sex outside of marriage is to pretend to be whatever the person you want to sleep with wants until you get them into bed.
What happens when that person finds out you’re not who you say you are? Well, the mission of the site is to help you land that great piece of married ass, so I’d say Ashley Madison’s job is done. The rest is up to you.
Personal sidenote: My boyfriend alerted me to the existence of this site. Should I be worried? No … really. Should I be?